A Menagerie of Outspoken Opinions on Science, World Politics, and Geek Culture

Friday, June 11, 2004

Reprisal in Kind: A Filthy Lie About Glen’s Revenge

While innocently wandering around Evil Glen’s study last Tuesday, one of The Zoo’s arbitration spies acidentally searched for, scanned in, and transmitted to her superiors several documents of considerable interest. She found the following memo, for example, folded inside a copy of Bad Penguins and the Law Professors Who Love Them. In the interest of security across the blogosphere, we now release this sensitive information to our Allies and the general public:

Damn The Alliance and their Filthy Lies! They make me so angry! I shall shake my gnarled fist at them now!

Ah, gesturing madly with my withered old talon always makes me feel better. Better indeed! But it is not revenge ... how might I take sweet, satisfying revenge on The Alliance?

What’s that Hobo Bill? Make up filthy lies of my own? Why, that’s brilliant! As a reward I shall not simultaneously cover you in army ants, burn you at the stake, and have you crushed in a cannery press. Instead you will be mercifully ripped to shreds by the school of Great White Lawyers that menacingly circle in the moat that surrounds Château de Reynolds.

And now for my filthy lies about The Alliance:

Frank J. of IMAO hates guns, apple pie, and Republicans! He’s not Catholic either; he’s a tree-hugging, goat-sacrificing, pentacle-waving pagan who dances naked around an oak tree on the summer solstice. And he loves monkeys! In fact, he gives all the money from his t-shirt sales to Jane Goodall so she can further the understanding between man and ape!

Harvey of Bad Example is not lecherous at all; he actually hates women and thinks sex is icky! Why just yesterday I saw him wearing a shirt that said "Girls? Ewww!" And he doesn’t write those love notes either. He keeps a love note-writing midget chained up in his basement and forces the poor, diminutive soul to produce sweet prose in exchange for cans of diet Shasta and stale ginger snaps.

Susie’s cat is not really a pirate!

Physics Geek of Physics Geek actually knows nothing about physics at all. I once asked him to explain quantum mechanics to me and he said “They’re dishonest and they overcharge you, just like all other mechanics.”

And sandor at the zoo is neither libertarian nor humanist; he’s a bible-thumping homophobe who wears a sandwich board that says "Draft My Whole Generation!" on one side and "God Hates Everyone Who Doesn’t Think Just Like Me!" on the other. Sandor loves authority and thinks studying history is a waste of time ... time which, according to him, is best spent speaking in tongues at a Pentecostal tent revival or entrenching the hand of government even deeper into our wallets and bedrooms.

Muwahahahha! Hmmm! Indeed! No one will trust those Alliance upstarts once my filthy lies get out ... those upstarts who are once again getting a thorough fist-shaking from my twisted claw of a hand! They shall rue the day! Rue the day!