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Thursday, May 20, 2004

The Royal House of Instapunditus I: A Filthy Lie About Naming Glen’s Children

To: sandor at the zoo
From: arbitration intelligence at the zoo
Re: The Royal House of Instapunditus I

Report Follows

Per your orders dated 20May04 arbitration intelligence at the zoo has produced a dossier regarding the members of The Royal House of Instipunditus I.

The first born of Instipunditus I is Instipunditus the Younger, the dark one’s heir apparent and favored offspring. Instipunditus the Younger was raised on a diet of fresh hobo rump roast wrapped in the musty pages of old law books. He is every bit as evil and twisted as his father and is still wanted by the Vatican for a scandalous panty raid on their main nunnery. When the unholy existence of Instipunditus I finally comes to an end – probably from arteries clogged with rich puppy fat – Instipuditus the Younger will ascend the Throne of Naughty as Instipunditus II.

Our adversary’s second son is Canis Minorus Blendicus. His only chance to attain The Throne of Naughty is the unlikely event of his older brother’s demise; as such, Instipunditus I has apprenticed Blendicus to his chief minion, Aylward de Wizbang. It is rumored that de Wizbang is teaching Blendicus the lost art of t-shirt babe thievery; if true, no Alliance t-shirt babe will be safe in the future.

Lastly we come to the daughter of Instipunditus I, Hoboia Morticia Maxima. She is only two blogyears old at the time of this report, but villagers across the land of Tennessee say her evil has already grown large on spaniel frappe’ and sled dog smoothies. If local tales are to be believed, Instipunditus I dotes on his girl-child by suspending live hobos above her cradle of darkness. She then chews off their helpless, naked toes as screams of anguish sound a terrifying lullaby into the night.

We hope The Zoo and The Alliance find the information in this report useful; many arbitration spies were lost to attain it. Instapundo delenda est!

Report Ends