A Menagerie of Outspoken Opinions on Science, World Politics, and Geek Culture

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Fun Facts About Michael Moore

The new Alliance precision-guided humor assignment, "Fun Facts About Michael Moore", is due today. So without further ado:

1) There was originally one man named Peter Michael Moore-Jackson, but a transporter accident during an ion storm split him into two separate entities. To Peter Jackson went the filmmaking ability and genial personality, and to Michael Moore went the bad grooming habits and power to swallow an entire suckling pig.

2) Moore is actually controlled remotely by Noam Chomsky via a small receiver concealed under his ever-present baseball cap. Hey Noam, how about Shave and Eat a Salad once in a while?

3) When starved for attention and food, Moore will often sit naked at the high-tide line of a northern California beach. Eventually the Sierra Club's Stranding Response Team shows up to keep his hide moist with sea water and feed him fresh herring.

4) Michael Eisner is really withholding the release of Fahrenheit 9/11 because it's his only collateral against Moore's $40 million tab at Disney's Main Street Bake Shop.

5) Moore once captured Condi Rice, forcing her to wear a bronze bikini and lay next to him on a raised dais in his main audience chamber. But she was rescued when Don Rumsfeld and President Bush managed to infiltrate the evil director's hideout on Tatooine.